10 Toddler Discipline Methods for Happier Kids and Happier Parents

I have been bracing for the “Terrible Twos” ever since I found out that I was pregnant with a little girl. Knowing my strong personality and how I’ve been as a child, I just knew that I needed all of the help I can get to prepare for this tumultuous phase of toddlerhood.

Now deep in the trenches as a mom of a strong willed toddler at the ripe young age of 2 years and 7 months (at the time of writing), I’ve gone through a few of the bigger life transitions like potty training and the addition of a new sibling to have a few (10 to be exact) how to discipline a toddler tips to share for new parents.

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Discipline vs. Punishment

Before I dive deep into how to discipline a toddler, I want to clearly define the word “discipline“.

The intention is key: Punishment instills fear and shame. Discipline creates skills and boundaries.

Dr. Siegel states in his book, “No Drama Discipline” that the root of the word “discipline” is the word disciple which means “student” or “learner“.

“A disciple, the one receiving discipline, is not a prisoner or recipient of punishment, but one who is learning through instruction. Punishment might shut down a behavior in the short term, but teaching offers skills that last a lifetime.”

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel – “No Drama Discipline”

Goals of Effective Discipline

1. Short term: get our child’s cooperation and teach them to do the right thing.
2. Long term: help our child develop self-control, boundaries and a strong moral compass. Even without the parents or other authority figures around, the child is thoughtful and conscientious.

“It’s about helping them grow up and become kind and responsible people who can enjoy successful relationships and meaningful lives.”

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel – “No Drama Discipline”

Why It Is Important To Discipline Your Child

There is a huge difference between permissive parenting and gentle parenting. Permissive parenting is the “free-range” parenting where the parent let the child do whatever they want with little to no oversight. Gentle parenting, on the other hand, provides a firm but kind way to teach your child about what is right and what is wrong. The gentle parent understands that your child is a child. Your child is not your friend.

I think a lot about the 5th rule in Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life” where he states :Do Not Let Your Children Do Anything That Makes You Dislike Them.

He puts out a great point, which is that while you love your kids dearly, if their actions make you dislike them, think about what an effect their actions will have on other people, who care much less about them than you do.

While many of us and those of the previous generations viewed discipline as synonymous with punishment, this is actually quite a misconception.

“A child who pays attention, instead of drifting, and can play, and does not whine, and is comical, but not annoying, and is trustworthy — that child will have friends wherever he goes.”

Dr. Jordan Peterson – “12 Rules for Life”

It is much more than the appearance of having a well behaved child, but truly a child who is secure in their relationships and can thrive in a what can be so easily a cold and hostile world.

A child who has secure attachment to a caring adult will have the support they need to become separate individuals who is curious and capable of exploration (Kent Hoffman, “Raising a Secure Child“)

“Clear rules make for secure children and calm, rational parents. Clear principles of discipline and punishment balance mercy and justice so that social development and psychological maturity can be optimally promoted…There are no greater gifts that a committed and courageous parent can bestow.”

Dr. Jordan Peterson – “12 Rules for Life”

Rewards and Punishments

The methods I’ve compiled below do not use violence, threats or any type of physical punishments. Violence, threats or physical punishments have been shown through numerous research to not be effective in the long term no matter the scale. Punitive actions are counterproductive in building the child’s developing brain.

I also do not use any material rewards for good behavior. I believe “rewards” such as respect, acknowledgement and attention help build the child’s self-esteem and it will go far greater than any material rewards will provide in the long term.

I can say with confidence that these tips are tried and true, but it takes time, patience and practice. Both for you and your child, especially if you did not come from a home who taught with effective discipline. I am definitely NOT perfect at practicing all of these tips myself, but I try every day to live by and practice these methods.

Think of my tips as a framework to help you make parenting and disciplinary decisions as you navigate your relationship with your toddler from infancy.

1. Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie.

Taken from Dr. Jordan Peterson’s “12 Rules for Life“, it sounds simple but not easy in practice.

Many of us grew up in homes that told “white lies” or distort the reality in a convenient (to the adults) way. When we as adults tell lies, children learn to tell lies. Lies become the norm. The more lies you tell, the more lies you have to tell. Then, the perception of reality is so far from the actual truth, you no longer know what is true. Thus, you can no longer differentiate between what is right and what is wrong.

For example, I’ve noticed that the older generation likes to say things that aren’t happening, or use exaggerated stories as a scare tactic.

• “Mommy is calling you!” When the child is acting out, as a distraction when I’m clearly not calling my child.
• “Monsters are going to come for kids that don’t sleep!” When your child won’t go to bed or comes out of their beds many times.

This is not the same as reading a story like Pinocchio where the child understands that there is obvious context that a story is being narrated in a book.

When you don’t know how to answer a question, a simple “I don’t know” would suffice.

When you are at a loss for words, it is better to not say anything at all, or “I need a moment” than to resort to threats.

Children are very intuitive and can read between the lines extremely well. They are able to pick up many cues from your body language.

2. Model, model, model. Show not tell.

Children are mirrors. They show you what you are like both inside and outside, and even mannerisms you have that you may not have noticed.

We all have flaws and behaviours we do not like about ourselves. When I catch myself and see myself through my daughter, I try to correct myself before I correct her.

Good Manners and Etiquette

A day to day behavior that I model and consistently uphold in our household is good manners.

This means teaching “please“, “thank you” and “sorry” beginning in infancy from sign language. When your toddler is able to verbalize, continue to use these words but add on others such as “excuse me“, and longer sentences like “may I have ___ please“.

We model this in our household and we don’t treat this any different than any other word. It is expected, and not praised. The “reward” is mutual respect and acknowledgement of the good behavior/deed.

Triggers and Boundaries – Yelling and Screaming

In “Hunt, Gather, Parent” by Michaeleen Doucleff, she observed an Inuit community where they never yell at their children. They believe that your energy is very contagious.

While this may seem impossible for a lot of us to model in real life, I always keep this idea in the back of my mind when I feel like I’m about to yell.

Toddlers will yell. They will scream. There is no way around this. However, YOU as a parent can minimize it through modeling and repetition to correct the behavior to diminish the yelling. If a child acts, the parent reacts, the child will react, and on and on.

Something that I found works well is to keep your triggers and your boundaries as far as possible from each other.

• Triggers are what makes us explode into a screaming/yelling fit.
  • Example: your child splashes water everywhere after some play time during bath, soaking the floor outside. This angers you because you have to clean up after him. Now you’re yelling for him to stop splashing or no more play time in the bath, ever!
• Boundaries are what we hold firm, or decisions we make to discipline our child.
  • Example: bath play is limited to one bath toy and 5 minutes after a complete wash. Take your child out of the bath after a warning for time and follow through.
• Child’s behaviors and actions should be stopped before it reaches the trigger zone.

Think of it like this diagram I drew here:

If you aren’t sure what was the root cause of the yelling, trace back and work backwards.

And while not all of us can be cool as a cucumber like the Inuit families, we can always be the example and model ways to regulate your emotions after a yelling session. You can apologize after the fact when all parties are calm, explain your emotions and why you yelled.

This act of rupture and repair works to strengthen your bond and your relationship. The ultimate goal of effective discipline is to connect with our children emotionally. Ruptures teaches our children that parents are not perfect beings, and we also make mistakes. Mistakes are learning opportunities where we can repair and do better next time.

3. Holding boundaries and following through.

As parents, we need to be “bigger, better, wiser and kind” (Kent Hoffman, “Raising a Secure Child“).

Children want to know that the parent is sure. That the parent is certain. That the parent is consistent.

Healthy parenting is not a democracy. To feel safe and secure, children need to know that someone cares enough to be in charge even when this includes the discord of making decisions that may be unpopular.

Kent Hoffman – “Raising a Secure Child”

Toddlers are constantly testing the boundaries. They want to know that these boundaries provide a safe space of exploration. They want to know these boundaries are firm and your words are coherent.

As Janet Lansbury points out in “No Bad Kids“: The sooner a caregiver can establish those limits, the easier it will be for the child to relinquish “testing” and return to playing.

When the parent cannot hold the rules or boundaries firm, or threaten with words without following through, the child learns that the parent is not coherent. The child learns that your words have no meaning because the words aren’t true.

It’s like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. It takes many interactions over time to build trust, and only a couple of negative experiences to break the trust completely.

A tip here is to avoid extreme language.

• “No more TV from now on” – This is extreme because the timeline is indefinite. This is not true, unless you will never let the child watch TV ever again.

“Kids who achieve the best outcomes in life – emotionally, relationally, and even educationally – have parents who raise them with a high degree of connection and nurturing, while also communicating and maintaining clear limits and high expectations.”

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel – “No Drama Discipline”

A Word About Whining

As your toddler start to verbalize and emotionally develop to around age 3, they will start to whine or have triggering behavior like asking the same thing ten times.

Though it is common for many parents to just ignore the behavior and let the child go on in the background, I always ensure I correct this behavior. Whining is not good manners. It is not a behavior I want my children to be presenting at home or in public. The more your child whines, the more you will get triggered to react poorly.

It is important for the child to know that whining will not get what they want. Using words with their normal voice and having good manners is the way to communicate their requests.

• My daughter will say,”I want ice cream” before finishing dinner. I say no. She will continue to ask again and again. I tell her, “you will get ice cream after you’re done dinner“. If she asks again, I ask, “are you done dinner?” She will say “yes“, or “no“.

I teach my daughter how to communicate her feelings or desires. Toddlers do not have the vocabulary to do so, and often times do not even know what they are feeling! They need demonstration that communication is a two-way street.

Often times whining is also another byproduct of needing more connection. Positive, undivided attention can “quickly” end this behavior.

4. Provide two realistic options you can live with.

Toddlers as young as 15 months old are able to walk steadily and are eager to be more independent. They are naturally curious and want to get into everything. From a young age, giving your child a choice is showing them respect for their autonomy. It gives them a sense of control when there is often little to none in their daily lives.

Providing two options solves so many tantrums and meltdowns in my house because the child feels like she is in control.

Do not provide MORE options than two (I’ve learned the hard way), and do NOT provide options you cannot follow through with.

For example, if you child does not want to stop playing and eat dinner, say:

• “Would you like to play another 5 minutes then come eat, OR come down to eat dinner now?”

Another common one is if your child does not want to leave the playground after you’ve given them a time warning, say:

• “Do you want to go to the car yourself, OR Do you want me to pick you up to go to the car?”

Both options lead to the same desired result.

5. Acknowledgement.

Dr. Becky Kennedy in “Good Inside” speaks to how two things are true for two things that might seem in opposition of one another. You can enforce strict boundaries AND your child can feel your love. Your child can not like your rule AND be feeling safe to feel their feelings.

We can say “no” AND care about our kid’s disappointment. The ability to hold onto our truth and our child’s truth allow everyone in the room to feel seen and feel real even if they are in conflict (Becky Kennedy, “Good Inside“).

“Understanding and not convincing is what makes a person feel secure in a relationship.”

Dr. Becky Kennedy – “Good Inside”

It does not mean that we agree or comply, or that our truth is not right. It just means that we are holding space to learn more about their reality. Building the connection with our child is what helps them build the skills to regulate their emotions and feel good inside.

I grew up in a home where my mom was always right. There were no questions about which reality was the ONLY acceptable reality, and as a child, I hid my feelings instead of expressing any.

I grew up feeling “mis”-feeling, “mis”-remembering, (aka gaslighted) and completely unheard because with only one right, there has to be a wrong.

I am learning that even as your toddler is learning to verbalize or cannot speak at all, simply acknowledging what you see will help them regulate their big emotions.

• “I can see you are frustrated and upset because you have to leave now.”

You are putting what THEY may not understand of their feelings into words. Their feelings are real. It is okay to feel those feelings and you still love them, but the boundary is there.

Praise vs. Acknowledgement

As new parents, we are trying our best to be positive, and always fall into the “Good job!” or “Perfect!” (or others like it) praise trap.

These praises that call the child talented or “brilliant” are called evaluative praise. These can actually interfere with a child’s learning process and actually inhibit her willingness to take chances (Joanna Faber, “How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen“).

Joanna Faber, author of “How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen” says, “This kind of praise is strangely too much and too little at the same time. Too much because these superlatives don’t come across as authentic. Too little because they can feel generic and dismissive.“

Positive reinforcement is great, but in the form of lackluster praise it will do more harm than good. A couple of great tips I’ve learned in “How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen“:

• Describe effort: “I noticed that when you cannot open this box, you keep trying different ways to open it.“
• Describe progress: “Your ballet class is teaching so many moves. You were really keeping up, even with some of the faster songs. I can tell you are so much more accurate during this class.”
• Describe the child’s effect on others: “Your sister really enjoyed playing with the farm animals. She was excited to play with you.“
• Describe what you see: (This one is great for the MANY art work your child makes) – “Ooh, you added so many heart stickers on this tree, and there are purple leaves! How did you think of using purple?”

Don’t get me wrong, I still say good job all the time, but I keep these in my back pocket and practice to get better at it.

Your child knows what praises are authentic, are on point, and aren’t overdone or dismissive. When you begin your relationship with truth (method #1), it’ll all be okay.

6. Natural consequences, not punitive actions.

Traditional time-out methods such as telling your child to go to their room just does not work. It might work a few times in the short term, but it will definitely not work long term.

The reason why it does not work is because toddler brains cannot connect the two events if they are not related. If your child hit their sibling and you told her to sit in her room, she will never connect the dots. This is now a punishment and not a learning moment.

As I’ve outlined above: Punishment instills fear and shame. Discipline creates skills and boundaries.

Natural consequences mean providing boundaries so the child knows the behaviour is unwanted.

• If they are throwing food, take the food away.

Do not tell give them a lecture on how food is valuable and tell them to go to their room. Do not shame them, compare them to a friend or a sibling, or insult them.

No Bad Kids

Words are very powerful. When you label your child as “bad” or the child is going through “Terrible Twos“, you give power to these labels. You start to see them as a bad child because you see more bad behavior. You become threatened by the tantrums because you are so annoyed and exhausted at this Terrible Two phase.

Janet Lansbury in puts it in her book, “No Bad Kids” as instead of perceiving the child as “bad“, see the child as needing help.

A helpful way to think about this is that children will quite literally act out when they need help. They may not have the words for their feelings. They may not know how to control their bodies or urges, or emotions yet and they need help.

7. Don’t lecture.

Toddlers have short attention spans. Focus on the situation at hand. Don’t bring up previous episodes or long term consequences. They cannot connect the dots.

An unhelpful response would be something like, “How many times have I told you, you need to stop playing with food? It’s going to get dirty everywhere. Don’t be so annoying! If you aren’t hungry, you can just tell me. I work so hard to provide the food for this family.“

Using the same example as above, be straightforward without shame or insults:

• If they are throwing food, take the food away and say, “I won’t let you throw food.” or “I see you are full, I am taking the food away.“

Two simple rules to live by:

1. No extreme language: never, ever, forever…etc.
2. Describe what you see: don’t distort their reality or bring back something from the past.

An easy way to ask your child to do something is: “action” + “timeframe”

• “Let’s go to the car in 5 minutes.”
• “Stop standing on the chair now.”

In the book “How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen“, I learned to always try to tell the child what they CAN do instead of they CANNOT do. This helps reframe their mind and open their ears to listen, but the end result is the same.

8. Don’t compare. Don’t be “fair”.

I put “fair” in quotations because I don’t mean fair in the sense of justice. I mean fair as in if you have two children and you want to give the EXACT same amount of snacks, or activity, or attention, don’t.

Love uniquely. Understanding your child for who they are and their unique self is more important for authentic connection.

Focusing on extrinsic comparisons or being “fair” will cause your child to focus on others and seek external validation. It will cause them to not understand what they truly want for themselves and seek to others to compare.

Comparison also leads to shame and negative feelings of shame is extremely difficult to undo.

Gently guiding the child to learn to be the best version of herself is the way to foster healthy development.

9. Independent time and quality time.

When your child is walking steadily at around age 15 months, they are eager to become more independent. Between the ages of 15 to 18 months, children want to “work”. They want to imitate the adults in their life and engage in the “the practical work of life” (Paula Polk Lillard, “Montessori from the Start“).

During this Sensitive Period, the child is only “educated if given the opportunity.” This means that as adults, we are not doing anything for the child that they can do themselves. We are giving them purpose and respect for their autonomy. A child who is busy with life’s work, has purpose and has the space to learn and develop.

While the child is still a toddler, it is important for the parent to provide independent play time, but not leave the room altogether. At least not in the beginning, while they are learning to control their bodies. It is important to literally do nothing and “be with” the child (Kent Hoffman, “Raising a Secure Child“).

I learned a great 20-20-20 rule from “Hunt, Gather, Parent“: 20 mins each day, 20 feet from my child, 20 mins I’m silent.

You are still building your bond and connection by giving your child the safe space to explore. This helps towards your goal of having your child become more cooperative and more willing to be a “disciple” and be effectively disciplined.

Even as a tiny baby around 6 months, my daughter was able to play by herself. I always keep this quote in mind:

“Play is the work of the child.”

Maria Montessori

Not interrupting the child during their “work” similar to how you don’t want to be interrupted during your workflow, is crucial to develop and foster more independent play.

No Screens for You and Me

Spending even 10 to 20 minutes of absolutely uninterrupted play time with your child will fill their emotional cup. It sounds short but in practice it can feel long when we are so used to having our phone in our hand constantly. Children literally NEED attachment to survive.

It’s so hard and I’m super guilty of this because I want to take photos and videos with my phone. However, this is something I catch myself doing every day and try to correct as my daughter is getting older and becoming more aware of the presence and purpose of my phone.

Screens will do nothing for your child until age 2, and they cannot translate what’s happening on TV into learning. I don’t limit my daughter’s screen time, but she gets bored after a couple of shows because it is really just a distraction.

A great tip I have here is to get your toddler involved in whatever you are doing around the house. Michaeleen aptly puts it in her book, “Hunt, Gather, Parent“, that kids want to contribute to the family, kids want “we” activities and not more “I” activities.

They will NOT do a great job at first, but they feel purposeful and they are willing.

When the child is past the age of 4, they will get less and less interested in the day to day chores if they were never involved in the first place. They will learn that it is not their place to do them.

10. A nap, and a snack.

Sometimes all it takes is a quick nap or a snack (or both). I often find my toddler very hangry and having a meltdown over something seemingly so random when she has not had a nap (sometimes at all) or going between meals without a snack.

In Kent Hoffman’s “Raising a Secure Child“, he says “children cannot learn when their hair is on fire“.

When we are frazzled and there are a thousand things going on at once, sometimes we forget the basic needs. Instead of asking, sometimes it takes a simple statement like:

• “Have some water.”
• “Sit down, eat this cracker.”

As your connection and bond builds with your child, you will more easily and quickly be able to tell from their body language and cues what they need help with.

Toddler Discipline Resource Recommendations

Toddler Discipline Resources for Children

Below are some of my top picks from the same series of behavioral board books for children. They create easy to follow scenarios and words your child and remember and repeat as they re-enact or encounter these scenarios in real life.

I’ve read these with my daughter ever since she was 9 months old as part of our regular rotation.

• “Manners Time” by Elizabeth Verdick
• “Listening Time” by Elizabeth Verdick
• “Calm-Down Time” by Elizabeth Verdick
• “Voices Are Not For Yelling” by Elizabeth Verdick
• “Hands Are Not for Hitting” by Martine Agassi
• “Mealtime” by Elizabeth Verdick

Toddler Discipline Resources for Parents

Below are my read (and sometimes re-read) recommendations for parents who are seeking to discipline your growing child by being firm and kind.

[Related Post: “12 Best Books for New Parents Actually Worth Reading“]

• “No Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nuture Your Child’s Developing Mind” by Daniel J. Siegel M.D.
• “Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience and Freedom to Explore” by Kent Hoffman Reld
• “Montessori from the Start: The Child at Home, from Birth to Age Three” by Paula Polk Lillard
• “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy
• “No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame” by Janet Lansbury
• “Danish Way of Parenting” by Jessica Joelle Alexander & Iben Dissing Sandahl
• “How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7” by Joanna Faber and Julie King
• “How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood” by Joanna Faber and Julie King

This post was all about toddler discipline methods and why it is important to discipline your child. As new parents, we are learning with and from our child as much as they are learning from us.

Focus on building a connection, and always model what you want to see. I hope my 10 (longwinded) methods help you and your family live with less tension and tantrums!

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