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To Sleep Train or Not to Sleep Train: How I Survived Without Crying It Out

Sleep training in its various forms is a controversial topic and it really shouldn’t be. As a first time mom, you’re probably worried sick about your own sleep and your baby’s sleep after hearing from seasoned parents everywhere.

In this post, I aim to demystify some misinformation on infant sleep through quality research (resources organized at the end of the post), and provide you with my hands-on experience with my two daughters. I hope this post will equip you with the proper expectations on infant sleep, as well as some tools and guidelines for you to be able to enjoy your first year with your baby.

My family chose to not sleep train our daughter with the traditional Cry It Out method. In this post, you will see why we made this decision and what we did instead. I will detail some key points on what I did to survive in my first year as a first time mom without sleep training.

Note that what worked for my family may not work with yours, and you are ultimately the best person to determine what is the best for your baby.

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Sleep Safety

Before we talk about sleep habits and sleep training, please ensure you are fully aware of sleep safety. I cannot stress enough the importance of understanding sleep safety before reading on about anything baby sleep.

There are a myriad of risk factors for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). You can find the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommendations on safe sleep here.

Check if the products you have are consistent with safe sleep recommendations on the CPSC website.

What is Sleep Training?

First, I think it is important to define what β€œsleep training” entails.

Proponents of sleep training advocate that the goal is for babies to sleep for several hours through the night on their own. If the baby wakes up, she can learn to “self-sooth” and fall back asleep.

The claim is that the sleep trained baby can sleep 9-12 hours at night. The hope is that having “uninterrupted” sleep will improve their overall quality of life for the family.

Traditional methods of sleep training all include some form of Cry It Out method where the baby is left to cry for a duration of time before the parent checks in on them. Some methods can take days, some can take months. Some may not work at all.

You can check out the sleep training methods detailed in this post by the Sleep Foundation.

You know your child best. Some children respond well to sleep training , known as β€œrapid adopters” and others may not respond well and may not be able to cope with this type of non-responsive parenting method. I highly recommended you approach this topic with an open mind, and know that children are very resilient.

You may seriously want to consider sleep training because…

  • You cannot cope with the lack of sleep and cannot function.
  • You are becoming a version of yourself that you don’t recognize.
  • Your relationship with your family and partner is deteriorating.

In the modern world, mothers are held to so many expectations and standards that seem impossible to uphold. The important thing is knowing the why behind your decisions and know that you’re doing your best for your child.

Expectations for Baby Sleep

You might have heard some unicorn stories about babies being able to sleep on their own at 4 months without any help for 12 hours a night. Your mom or mother in law might have forgotten what it was like decades ago, and are telling you that you did not wake up so many times a night as a newborn, and you are doing something wrong.

It is important to reel in our expectations and assumptions for baby sleep with some concrete facts. There are so many misconceptions out there. Some baby sleep expectations in the West are so unrealistic, they set you up for failure before you can mutter the words sleep training.

  • Babies are not small adults. Their sleeping needs are different based on their stage of life. Read about how much sleep babies need here.
  • Babies do not have developed circadian rhythms that will help them through the night until after 4-6 months. This means they do not have regular sleep patterns. It is not until close to 5 years old that children’s sleep stages mirror that of adults. Read about baby’s sleep cycles here.
  • In the “fourth trimester“, newborns seem to have opposite schedule as us. Sleep during the day and awake at night. This is because when moms are active, motion lulls the baby to sleep in the womb, and when we are resting, you’ll notice baby’s movements a lot more.
  • “Sleeping through the night” does not have any scientific definition. Most considers one 5 hour stretch without parental intervention to be sleeping through the night. However, any credible scientific research on infant sleep sets consensus recommendations for the TOTAL sleep per 24 hours for babies and toddlers, not any one stretch.
  • Huge developmental leaps are happening until age 2. Huge changes in the brain which causes babies to be more fussy and have more disrupted sleep (aka more night waking) as they’re acquiring new skills. Check out The Wonder Weeks – Mental Leaps.
  • Babies need attachment and attention to survive. Hunter-gatherer tribes never left their babies to sleep on their own. Babies left in their own rooms to sleep alone is predominantly a Western culture habit. It is normal that babies cry for cuddles and crave closeness with their caretakers. Babies want to know that the adults in her life will protect her when she calls for them, and that this world they are born into is trustworthy. They are NOT manipulating you with their cries.

Readiness Check for Independent Sleep

Before you put your babies into their own rooms, or want to have them be able to sleep on their own, note that you’d want to ensure your baby checks all of these readiness cues before you try out any routines or sleep training methods.

Also ensure you are fully aware of all of the safe sleep recommendations as previously mentioned.

  • At least 4 months old (ideally 6 months) or at least 12 pounds weight. It’s important to wait until the baby’s stomach has grown so that they are able to sleep for longer stretches without waking to feed.
  • There are no medical concerns with the baby.
  • Baby is on a healthy growth curve approved by their healthcare provider.
  • AAP recommends at least 6 months – 1 year of sleeping in the same room as parents.

Reasons Why I Did Not Sleep Train

I have SO many friends who sleep trained their babies, and highly recommended me to do the same. Many moms were told there are gentle sleep training methods to not damage the baby from all the crying.

As a person who needed a good 7 to 8 hours of sleep to function, I jumped on the band wagon and fell into the rabbit hole of sleep training methods.

On a desperate attempt to “sleep train” my daughter during her 4 month sleep regression, I let her Cry It Out as per the Ferber method through one nap. My body was fighting against me hearing the desperate crying from my newborn daughter. I knew she was fed, she was changed and all the “checkboxes” were ticked. When she stopped crying after 20 minutes, I went to check on her and saw that she did fall asleep. I thought sleep training worked.

When she woke up, her voice was hoarse from the crying and the light dimmed in her eyes. I knew in my heart that this was not the way I could go on to “sleep train” my baby no matter how tired I was. It didn’t feel right to me.

I wanted to be better informed on infant sleep, crying and stress on the body, and what worked for humans for thousands of years. If my mommy instincts are telling me this is wrong, I figured, there must be something to it.

I put on my research hat and these are the top 4 reasons why I decided against sleep training:

1. Our Biological History in Child Rearing

While science and medicine has greatly improved our longevity and wellbeing, our core biological needs stay the same. I’ve looked into research on the stress and the body from Dr. Gabor Mate, as well as other notable sources to understand the potential impacts of letting your baby Cry It Out.

  • Homo sapiens are hunter gatherers that lived as tribes. Their babies were held constantly and never left unattended even during sleep. (Note the important difference here between unsafe co sleeping and safe co sleeping practices). This is reflected in the sleep habits of all mammals where every newborn will sleep next to its mother. Part of the science behind this bonding is evident in the composition of the human breast milk. During breastfeeding, hormones (melatonin) are released that will make both the mom and the newborn sleepy.
  • Frequent night waking was (is!) the norm. It is important to know how our bodies work as mothers and why it has been this way for as long as humans have been around. Human breast milk has a low calorie composition that require frequent nighttime feeds. Our infants’ brains are wired to respond positively to physical closeness to their mothers. The mom’s smells and touch reduce infant crying, and positively regulate infant breathing, body temperature, absorption of calories, stress hormone levels, immune status and oxygenation. Kissing our newborns alone will transmit important information from their skin to our lips and our brains to change the composition of our breast milk to help with optimizing it for their body condition. See full article on where I got this information here.

2. Attachment parenting philosophies

  • Attachment parenting focuses on building a bond and connection with your child. This is a every day, every interaction effort. While nothing is definitive in the outcome of your relationship with your child, the emphasis in attachment parenting (not to be confused with attachment theory), is simply to be sensitively responding to the needs of babies and children. While there are many “B”s of attachment parenting, I personally did not bed share and do everything this parenting style recommends.
  • When we are not responsive to the newborn’s cries, it is a signal to the newborn that we are not going to care for their needs. Newborns do not manipulate. They NEED attachment to survive. Research show that cortisol levels stay high even when babies stopped crying. They’ve simply given up. They have not “learned” to self-sooth or self-regulate. They have detached themselves from their reality of not having their primary caregiver attend to their primal needs.

3. Stress and the Body

  • The body remembers the pain. Your brain as a child will shield you from pain as a defense mechanism, but your body will remember the stress left by the cortisol levels in your body. Much of this is recorded in our powerful memory system within the nervous system called intrinsic memory. These emotional memories may last a lifetime even though we may not consciously recall how it was originally placed there. Exposure to high levels of this stress hormone as a baby will more likely develop behavior problems and stress-related diseases later in life. See article here also referencing original research. In the worst case, toxic stress can alter the brain growth and shorten the lifespan.
  • Dr. Gabor Mate wrote about the link between early childhood exposure to trauma and stress, and how this can manifest into chronic illnesses later in life. Read his book “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress“.
  • Specifically, Dr. Gabor Mate talked about how he changed his mind about sleep training. He says Read about his post on why he no longer believes babies should cry themselves to sleep.

4. Limitations of Sleep Training Research

  • Many studies are relying on the sleep training parents to collect data, which can be biased. Certainly if they are utilizing this method, they want it to work. This is known as confirmation bias.
  • Conclusions of sleep training research studies do not indicate any statistically significant improvements in baby sleep. The difference in one study showed only a 16 minute difference in one stretch. An Australian study found that any so-called improvements in parents’ sleep because of sleep training disappeared by age two.
  • None of the studies have any understanding on its long term effects into adulthood.

What I Did Instead of Crying It Out: Baby’s First Year Sleep Guide

I will start by giving the caveat that my daughter was pretty consistent with the Wonder Weeks suggested leaps and woke frequently during the fussy phases. She did not sleep more than a 5 hour stretch consistently until she was 8 months old. By age 2, she still has nights where she will wake up telling us she’s hungry or she needs some cuddles from a bad dream/something happened from the day.

To our family, we consider this all developmentally normal. We were tired when she has these night wakes, but we know this is what we signed up for. I cannot stress the importance of having the proper expectations when it comes to baby sleep.

As a first time mom, I thought with each “successful” night of 5+ hours of sleep, I was doing something right and I tried diligently to repeat the routine. However, each developmental leap proved to be a new challenge and there was no single formula that was definitive in helping my daughter sleep independently after she was in her own room.

I highly recommend you pick up the Precious Little Sleep book. It comes with so many great guidelines around all things baby sleep related and gives you a lot of concrete information you can build great routines around. It also teaches you about the sleep “aids” (pacifier, swing, white noise, etc) and how to wean them off when the time comes.

Below are the key summaries of each phase that worked for our family with regards to building routines and sleep.

0-4 Months: Survival Mode

Check out my blog post on all of my newborn baby essentials for the first 3 months.

  • Tend to all cries and needs as best and as quickly as possible. I noticed that with each “correct” response to her needs (diapering, feeding, cuddles, comfort level, sleepiness), we built rapport and she would settle much quicker the next time. Trust takes time to build.
  • For the first 6 weeks, my daughter would seldomly nap with supervision in the Snuggle Me Lounger. More often than not, most naps were either on me or my husband. Night sleep was attempted in the Snoo Smart Sleeper. I say attempted because some nights it’s just one of us holding her while she slept.
  • With my second daughter, I breastfed 100% so I felt comfortable having her co-sleep with me on my bed. I found that she slept best near me and it was easier for night feeds with both of us on our sides. During night feeds, my daughter was drinking much slower and sleepier and didn’t need to be burped upright. I pat her softly on her back after the feed and sometimes not at all. Read about the Safe Sleep Seven on Bedsharing linked.
  • Newborns sleep a lot during the fourth trimester. Contact nap is the name of the game. I swear by the Konny Baby Carrier. Get the air mesh one if you are prone to higher body temperatures. This wrap is like a t-shirt, no need to learn how to tie things and it saved my back. Both of my daughters fell asleep quickly and soundly in the Konny.
  • Love to Dream Swaddle is the easiest and best swaddle for this stage from my experience. It helps to minimize the moro reflex (also known as “startle” reflex) that jolts the baby awake.
  • My daughter was born just a little over 6lbs so one of the only pacifiers she could use in her tiny mouth was the MAM newborn pacifier. She also took to the Philips Avent Ultra Air pacifier. Sucking is extremely soothing for newborns and it is a crucial tool to have in your arsenal. After the first month, both of my daughters prefer the Itzy Ritzy pacifier.
  • Having white noise is on a level that is loud enough to mimic the womb is very helpful to calm and aid the baby to sleep. Universal favourite seems to be the fan/hair dryer noise or the heart beat type sounds. I kept white noise on during all sleeps.
  • Once my daughter grew out of the Snuggle Me Lounger, we transitioned her day naps to the Snoo Smart Sleeper. We kept the windows open during the day, and had blackout blinds for the night sleeps. We didn’t try to minimize the noise during the day.
  • I know you might be tempted to try to put your newborn down “drowsy but awake” and find her jolting up the second she touches the bassinet/crib. This is completely normal. I would say it’s a futile effort to try to put your baby down “drowsy but awake” at this stage. Take breaks with your partner, baby wear, and enjoy the newborn cuddles because this too will pass.
  • Look for sleepy cues and adjust wake windows so baby is not over tired. Looking away from the activity, rubbing eyes, yawning are all cues that the baby is getting tired. If your baby is sleeping, that means they are not hungry. If they are hungry, they will wake up. Don’t worry about keeping the time on a routine during this phase.

4-8 Months: Building Sleep Associations

  • The 4 month sleep regression was brutal. This was when she learned to roll from her back to her tummy. I used all kinds of “gadgets” to lull my daughter into sleep for naps. The best one was the Fisher-Price Snugapuppy Swing. She did not take to the BabyBjorn Bouncer so my recommendation would be to see which motion your baby likes and buy the corresponding item when the time comes. During this regression, survival mode is the name of the game.
  • Once my daughter grew past the 4 month sleep regression, I followed the Precious Little Sleep recommendations to build healthy sleep associations. I was conscious not to feed to sleep as this is a common difficult sleep association to wean. The sleep associations built from this phase can be enduring.
    • Day time: Feed, Burp, Activity, Change/Diaper, Pacifier, Sleep.
    • Night time: Feed, Burp, Bathe, Change, Diaper, Song/Book (while keeping room dark), Pacifier, Sleep.
    • Watch for all sleepy cues: rubbing eyes, yawning and looking away or tired during activities and act on the cues immediately.
  • We transitioned her around 5 month to a crib in her own room just a few steps away. We started by introducing the crib as a calm space to sleep with naps. She did not sleep in her own room for night time until after 6 months. Please review the Safe Sleep guidelines I’ve mentioned above before you move your baby to their own room. If you’re thinking of getting a mobile above the crib, I urge to you think twice. Read my post here on why I do not recommend mobiles.
  • Although my daughter was sleeping in the room steps away from us and I can hear her easily, I got the Cubo Ai Plus Smart Baby Monitor. This was the camera I landed on after thorough research because of its covered face alerts, great connectivity, sharing options, and video/picture playback options. Grandma and grandpa can also check in on sleeping baby since they don’t get to visit as often. If you are someone who wants a local monitor and not be on internet/wifi, this may not be the camera for you. Otherwise, I highly recommend it for the price point and features compared to some of the even more expensive monitors out there. Don’t cheap out on the camera!
  • Once all of her needs were taken care of, I focused on honing into her cues to put her down in her crib when she was not fully asleep. It’s not always easy to put the baby down “drowsy but awake” as they say, and it may not be possible with your baby. The best advice I can give here is to watch for your baby’s signals and transition them from contact naps to crib naps as best as you can.
  • As babies at this stage often wake after their first long stretch of sleep hungry. I opted to “dream feed” where I topped up her feed before I went to bed.

9-12 Months: Building Routines and Habits

  • Routine, routine, routine. If you were someone who did not have routines before becoming a parent, becoming a parent will force you to have one.
  • Similar to the schedule above, I continued to break up the feed and the settling to sleep with an activity of some sort. The biggest difference is that I am now on a more formalized “schedule” rather than just watching for wake windows and sleepy cues.
  • Focus on quality activities that will help develop your baby’s growing brain and all of their milestone developments. I started teaching my daughter baby sign language when she was 6 months old, and by 9 months old, she was able to sign back! I find that going outdoors, working on gross motor skills and brain developing activities really helped her get the quality sleep she needed.

12 Months Onwards

  • My daughter started daycare around 11 months old, and they kept her cat naps in the morning very short, and quickly before 14 months, she was on a 1 nap schedule. I was amazed at how 12 kids were able to sleep all at once at daycare. The “secret” seems to be a pitch black room and white noise.
  • It is extremely important that you get some outdoor time or some sort of bigger activity done in the day so your child is tired enough to get quality sleep. Sticking them in front of the screen does not count!
  • Remember that your baby is still a baby. They are going through lots of major developmental milestones/leaps, and it is normal to have night wakes. At this age, they may be waking up from a bad dream or too much stimulation from the day. Teaching your child ways to communicate will help you better understand their needs and settle them back to sleep.

A Final Word on Sleep Training Effects

If you are already on your journey on sleep training or are sold on this method, take this post as additional information. Know that a couple of nights of sleep training will not permanently damage your children. If you are concerned about the attachment parenting points I’ve made above, know that your cumulative efforts with each interaction secures your bond with your child.

If you spend the quality time and truly get to know your child, I am certain you know exactly what will be the best for their development.

Sleep training will not cause irreversible damage as long as you are mindful and are watching them with a keen eye to see how they respond to this training.

Resources

This post was all about baby sleep and why I did not sleep train with the Cry It Out method with my baby. This is a huge topic that is on top of minds for first time parents. While nothing is definitive and research is ongoing on the topic of sleep training, I urge you to tune in to your child and find the best way for your family to help your child get a restful night of sleep.

To new parents up multiple times a night with their little ones: I hope you know that your child feels in their hearts that they are loved and cared for with your presence. This too, shall pass. Hold their tiny bodies a little longer because it will go by so much quicker than you know.

If this post has helped you understand baby sleep better, please leave me a comment below!

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