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Teaching Children Good Manners and Why It Matters

Teaching good manners and common etiquette to children can feel like a lost tradition in this era of parental affirmation and validation.

A polite child who smiles, greets others with eye contact, says “thank you” for kind acts is going to be welcomed everywhere. Practicing good manners fit into the greater narrative for the overall development of your child into a thriving adult.

I’m here to share my learnings for why it is important to teach good manners and behaviors from as early as you can. I’ll also share my personal tips on how to teach good manners with specific examples, phrases and actions in various contexts. The examples and rules in this post are directed to children from about 6 months old to 5 years old, though many concepts are lifelong and universal.

Click the table of contents at the top to see the various headings.

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how to raise a child with good manners

Why is it important to teach children good manners?

While many families differ in their ideologies, most parents are in agreement about the traits and values that children should be taught:

  • 94% of parents want their child to be responsible.
  • 86% of parents value helping others and being well-mannered.
  • Other important values such as creativity, empathy and tolerance were among some other traits that parents deem important.

(Source: Kim Parker, “Families may differ, but they share common values on parenting” Pew Research Centre)

Teaching your child to be well-mannered has many moving parts. The ultimate result of mastering this valued trait contributes to your child’s maturation process in reaching his or her full human potential.

So, what does it mean to reach “full human potential“?

In my opinion, it means to mature physically, socially and emotionally so they can be functioning and contributing adults to their community and society at large.

More specifically, it means she can to practice self-restraint, to think critically, to know right from wrong, and be able to apply herself to the various situations and overcome difficulties that life throws at her.

Maturing as a person comes in 3 district processes

In “Rest, Play, Grow“, author Deborah MacNamara PhD explains through Gordon Neufeld’s theory of human maturation in three distinct inner processes, which are “spontaneous in development but not inevitable“.

  1. emergent process – for your child to function as a separate person and to develop a strong sense of agency
  2. adaptive process – for your child to adapt to life circumstances and overcome adversity
  3. integrative process – for your child to grow into a social being with the capacity to engage in relationships without compromising personal integrity and identity. This is the process where your child learns to hold their own point of view while considering another person’s experiences and perspectives.

“A failure to mature is also part of the human condition, but this is where adults must be a child’s best bet. Selfhood cannot be taught or forced; it must be nurtured, cultivated, preserved and protected.”

Deborah MacNamara, PhD – “Rest, Play, Grow”

The difference between acting mature and becoming mature

Growing your child takes time. It requires patience. Your know your child best. Pushing your child through the process of maturation can create stressful environments where they end up clinging to us out of insecurity.

Your observation of your child’s nature should be your guide.

I believe we as parents need to both teach and model good behaviors, while at the same time providing the conditions for maturity to grow and unfold. There is a distinct difference between a child who acts mature, and the child who is given time to become mature.

Cultivating empathy

Building empathy starts by trying to understand how others around us feel. Being empathetic helps us pick up social cues and create an inviting environment for social interactions.

Children who are well-mannered and polite will have positive social interactions wherever she goes. She will be greeted with sincere smiles and genuine compliments.

Positive social interactions with others will help your child build a positive worldview, where trust blooms. This is when your child will feel safe in sharing with others, knowing others will share back (eventually). This is when your child will feel giving, helpful and curious about the world around her because she feels loved.

Beginning with respect in mind

Nestled in the heart of etiquette, is really the art of respect. Respect goes both ways. You have to give it to receive it. Without having an emotionally full cup, it is difficult to give respect and practice empathy.

When does giving and receiving respect start? It all starts from birth.

Respect starts with you as the parent to be the benevolent, respectful leader. Your child is learning from your actions and not your words.

Maria Montessori talks about the “absorbent mind” from birth to approximately six years of age. While children under the age of three are not capable of reason (the same way an adult can), they have a unique superpower where they absorb the qualities of their environment just by being exposed to them. Your child can read between the lines and pick up on how you truly feel. (Montessori from the Start by Paula Polk Lillard and Lynn Lillard Jessen).

If you are feeling embarrassed, guilty, annoyed, or uncertain…chances are, your child will absorb that feeling and will act it out on your behalf (adding to the shame, guilt, annoyance…etc).

In the book “Danish Way of Parenting: what the happiest people in the world know about raising confident, capable kids“, authors Jessica and Iben talk about parenting with respect in this way:

“You will have a much more positive influence and a genuinely closer relationship if you foster an atmosphere of respect and calmness in which there is no fear of blame, shame, or pain.”

Jessica Joelle Alexander & Iben Dissing Sandahl – β€œDanish Way of Parenting”

My Secret Word Prompts

When my toddler is having a major meltdown when we’re in a hurry to go somewhere, or start practicing selective hearing when I just need her to listen, I lose my sh*t, too. I don’t pretend for a second it’s easy to try to stay calm in the face of pure chaos.

However, I have two secret words prompts that will help you in any situation to (try to) be respectful of your child, to see them as immature and for you to genuinely want to help.

  1. perception
  2. waiting

1. Perception

How you perceive your child determines how you react to your child’s behaviors. It is the foundation of your parent-child relationship.

Words matter, and labels can affect the way you communicate to your child and others around them. When you call your child “sneaky” or “manipulative” or “terrible“, you are more likely to see your child as “bad” instead of recognizing that it’s really certain behaviors are bad.

When your child is defiant, protesting or practicing selective hearing…see that it is a way of communicating. See that this is cry for help.

When we put away the blame and see the child as developing and needing help, we might step up as their Big Person and model patience, kindness and calm so they can learn these behaviors, too.

The importance of the parent-child relationship cannot be understated. Your child’s greatest hunger is the need for your relational attachment.

“It is on the relational playgrounds we create for them that they will discover their true form, free of any consequences that would bind them to permanence. It is in our gardens that they must feel free to express what is within their hearts without fear of repercussion to our relationship, and where the person they become slowly takes shape, free of pressure and the need for performance. A garden of growth can be cultivated only by generously offering children fulfilling relationships to tether themselves to.”

Deborah MacNamara, PhD – “Rest, Play, Grow”

2. Waiting

A magic word for parenting I learned from Janet Lansbury’s book “Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting” is: wait.

Waiting helps the parent slow down. Waiting prevents parents from interrupting the child as they are playing, learning, developing longer attention spans and becoming independent self-learners.

Their emotional regulation is learned through your emotional regulation.

By taking JUST a moment, even in the trenches of chaos (crying, tantrums, screaming), you give yourself space to collect your thoughts, to adjust your tone, and to come down to your child’s eye level and communicate.

I have a quick temper, and it’s not always easy for me to react by “waiting”.

I found that physically stopping myself in my tracks and taking just a quick breath in, will make a world of a difference.

Monkey see, monkey do. My efforts play out in how my older daughter treats her little sister, where she pauses before reacting, even to the most irritating actions from her little sister.

teaching preschoolers manners

Teaching Good Manners for Respectful Communication

The bedrock of teaching respect is being respectful yourself.

When your child is speaking, you should listen.

Show that you are listening by maintaining eye contact (best on eye level with your child), nodding (smiling if warranted) and then repeat what she has said to explain that you understand.

A child who is able to maintain eye contact, to listen while others are speaking (and not interrupt), and to nod to acknowledge the speaker, is going to be well liked everywhere.

A great resource with fun phrases is “Listening Time” by Elizabeth Verdick. It goes through what listening time looks like, and what they can do when they are asked to listen.

We all love our child and we know they are good, loving, little humans. The way toddlers and preschoolers act (tantrums, the works), however, can really make outsiders think otherwise. While it’s developmentally appropriate to express these big emotions, it’s also important to keep in mind that communication and emotional regulation are, like many other skills, learned.

Practicing skills of effective, respectful communication is going to help your child come across as the caring and compassionate child that she is!

“Caring and compassionate children are homegrown by nurturing the emotional roots that sustain them. Becoming a social being starts with understanding oneself. The capacity to get along with others, show consideration, and take responsibility for one’s actions are the results of healthy development.”

Deborah MacNamara, PhD – “Rest, Play, Grow”

Communication Basics with Baby Sign Language

[Related Post: “Baby Sign Language Basics“]

To lay the foundation for communication before your child is verbal, I highly, HIGHLY recommend starting with baby sign language.

I made a conscious effort to teach both my children baby sign language when they started solids (around 6 months old). Though neither of my daughters signed back until 10 months old, every day I worked on our communication. Both my kids were able to speak in simple sentences by 18 months.

Communication is a two way street. As your child gets your attention, and you both understand each other, you build trust. Trust feeds into mutual respect and a stronger relationship.

Your baby is a sponge, and all of your efforts will not be in vain even if it seems like they aren’t responsive to your communication attempts in the beginning!

Please, Thank You, Excuse Me and Sorry

A rule that I like to live by for teaching respectful communication to my children is: “don’t make them say anything you cannot say or model yourself“.

Growing up, I didn’t have parents that apologized (said sorry), or even acknowledged my contributions around the house with a “thank you”. I felt unseen, I felt unheard, and most of all, I felt alone.

I had an extremely difficult time saying “sorry”, or any of these nice phrases, simply because I had no understanding of why I should do it.

It was a matter of acting to conform out of fear, rather than from the heart because I understood the why and the importance of taking responsibility for my own actions.

I hope you don’t force your child to say any of these phrases because they “should”. Your child should do it because they love, respect, and enjoy the positive interactions that come out of these gestures and phrases that help them blossom into considerate, responsible people.

I taught both my daughters “Please, Thank You and Sorry” first through sign language, and to my surprise, they were active users of these phrases by the tender age of 1. Children don’t do what you tell them to do, but they see what you do through your actions and your emotions.

Take the anxiety of judgement, fear, and must-dos out of these phrases. Simply model and show your children when to say these words as you live your life through proper context and they will pick it up without effort.

Teaching Good Manners for Meeting, Greeting and Leaving

First impressions are important, whether you believe they are accurate or not.

The Halo Effect has been well studied, where the first positive impression leads people to infer the existence of other desirable traits, such as intelligence.

Daniel Kahneman, the Nobel Prize winning world-famous psychologist and the author of “Thinking, Fast and Slow” says that while first impressions are not perfect, correcting them is very challenging due to the halo effect and or confirmation bias.

My husband and I make it a very positive interaction whenever we see (meet and greet) each other and our kids. We also make sure to model meeting and greeting whenever we meet new people, see our friends, or see our children’s friends (no matter if they greet us back or not).

I urge you to think about fostering an environment where your love and action are the fertilizers to grow the emotional roots for your children to flourish.

Examples of Meeting, Greeting and Leaving

  • Daddy comes home from work, the door opens – he yells out, “Daddy’s home!” then I yell out, “Daddy’s home!” and we all make an conscious effort to greet him with a hug or a kiss.
  • Every morning when I go wake up the kids, I turn on all of the blinds and lights in the room and make sure I say “Good morning girls!” (sprinkle in some enthusiasm for those gloomy mornings). I will often greet my girls with a kiss, a hug, or “I’ve missed you!” even if it’s a sleep apart.
  • When we see our daughter’s friend who we all know, we will address her by name with eye contact and say, “Hi Maddie!” and “Bye Maddie, see you next time!” when we leave.
  • When we leave the house, we say goodbye to our dog and thank her for guarding the house. It seems silly but it teaches our kids to acknowledge all of our loved ones, including our pet!

Teaching Table Manners to Kids

A lovely and beautiful book by Princess Marie-Chantal of Greece (mother of five!), “Manners Begin at Breakfast: Modern etiquette for families” is a delightful read. It is adorned with illustrations and an easy to follow format. The first chapter, “At the Table” starts with the quote:

“Family dinners are the one activity found to foster the greatest child development”

Deborah Norville

Cooking Together to Teach Respect

Cooking together and having your kids participate in food preparation is a great way to spend quality time, minimize screen time, and also teach them the hard work of preparing a meal.

Starting from 15-18 months old, your child is ready to help and want to help (until they turn 4 and don’t want to help if you didn’t let them). Both of my kids have their own aprons, they have their own cooking and baking tools to help me.

Your 18 month old can start (with your assistance at first and supervision always) to peel carrots and chop softer veggies and fruits. They can help take the stems off of spinach and buds off of mushrooms. They can help you wash and drain the veggies and fruits.

It will be messy, but it will pay off in the long run because they will have developed a sense of respect towards the amount of work and time invested to cook a meal. They will also have a sense of accomplishment knowing they have contributed.

Rules for Table Manners

As soon as your child is able to hold a spoon and send it to her mouth, she is ready to learn some basic table etiquette.

  • To start, we never eat in front of any screens. We as parents do not eat while watching TV, or being on our phones. We’ve made a conscious decision to literally practice not having screens in front of us while I was pregnant with my first so we can do better for our kids.
  • Next, we always wash our hands before we set the table or bring any food out.
  • When my eldest turned one, we started practicing patience at the dining table by the “ready to eat pose“. This looks like hands folded on the table (elbows off the table), or hands folded on her lap. Patience takes practice, and the key here is not to blame, shame or scold your child if they are wiggling and cannot sit still to wait. Waiting is Not Forever by Elizabeth Verdick is a great book to read to teach your child what it means to wait, and what they can do while waiting.
  • “Always try one bite” – taken from the book Mealtime by Elizabeth Verdick, we try to get our kids to try new foods.
  • Throwing food, spitting food out, walking away or other poor table manners mean meal time is over. Meal time is for eating and connecting. As soon as your child is able to hold a spoon, he should understand that these actions signal that he is done because he is no longer eating. You can make a firm comment, “I see that you are throwing food, this tells me you’re done eating. *sign language: all done* I am taking the food away now.“. You need to follow through and consistently teach this cause and effect for them to connect the dots and stop the behavior.

Teaching Good Manners in Public Places

It’s important for us parents to connect the dots for our kids, and teach them WHY we should have good manners and follow rules in public spaces. The main point is this: practicing good manners in public helps us keep our children safe.

Examples of rules for different public spaces

Having specified rules for a given context or space is very important to provide boundaries and guidance to your growing child. If your child knows exactly what to expect, then she will start to learn right from wrong, and the various (natural) consequences that come with it.

A tip I have is to always say and repeat the particular rule when you are in the specified space.

  • Parking lots: “holding hands and no running around”. (Why? So cars don’t hit your child)
  • Restaurants: “tables and chairs are not for licking”. (Why? So your child doesn’t get sick)
  • Library: “extra quiet, whispers like a mouse!” (Why? So your child doesn’t disturb others reading and be removed from the library)

An emotionally unregulated child who does not have their needs (physiologically, relationally, or emotionally) met cannot listen to rules. If your child is having difficulty abiding to simple rules and instructions, there might be other reasons at play.

A child shouldn’t be scolded or threatened to behave in public. I learned that children often “act out” their emotions rather than

A child will always test your boundaries and see if your rules and consequences are real. When your child sees that you as their Big Person are consistent, reliable and calm, they can move on from testing and resume their

Teaching Good Manners in Indoor Spaces

If you have a baby who has recently found her voice, you would wonder if there is much difference between a human baby and a pterodactyl.

The vicious cycle of yelling over your child to get them to stop yelling is never going to work. It might scare them a little in the beginning, but they learn through your actions that yelling is how we communicate. So don’t do that.

My favourite resource that I’ve used to teach my children “inside voice” is through the book Voices Are Not for Yelling by Elizabeth Verdick.

This book is on CONSTANT rotation in our home. Kids love phrases that they can easily copy and replicate. This book teaches the effects of yelling such as “yelling hurts our ears” and “yelling hurts our feelings“. I also act out in dramatic fashion how their yelling hurts my feelings and ears so they really see the pages come to life with my one woman show.

Good Manners with Elderly, Babies and Pets

In all situations with this more fragile group of elderly, babies and pets, I ask my children to practice “gentle hands“. Children don’t know their strength, and they aren’t afraid to unleash their punches.

Repetition and reminders are extremely important for young children as they are navigating through this world at the speed of light. Keep reminders short and sweet.

I highly recommend checking out the book “Manners Begin at Breakfast: Modern etiquette for families” for parents looking to find specific examples of what to do in situations with grandparents, play dates, and so much more.

Elderly

I took both my daughters to visit my 93 year old grandmother last year. The elderly, similar to your toddler, often don’t know their strength. They will attempt to hold your toddler or baby even though their bones are rattling.

Babies and toddlers don’t know that their great grandmother cannot pick them up as easy as their mom can, so they leap at the opportunity and jump on them.

This is where bones are broken and tears are shed.

I recommend a couple of easy reminders to your toddler or young child:

  • “Slow down”
  • “No jumping and no climbing (onto the elderly)”

Babies

If your child has a younger sibling, they probably have seen how you handle the baby and will mirror your actions. However, if they haven’t been around too many babies, they will be tempted to touch the baby in the eyes, kiss the baby, or even pinch(!) the baby.

When we arrive at a home with a small baby, I always get my kids to wash their hands in case they do start touching the baby all over. A few key reminders:

  • “Gentle hands and quiet voices”
  • “Eyes are for looking, not for poking”

Pets

Growing up with a little brother, I remember instances of him pulling our cat’s tail and trying to swing the cat around like weight thrower at the Olympics. Again, kids don’t know their strength, and they need to be taught ways to interact with pets.

We have an American Cocker Spaniel at home and she’s very friendly. Growing up with a dog definitely help minimize the fear associated with animals. My children would run up to stranger dogs and go up to farm animals and try to pet them in the face.

To keep your child safe and other animals unharmed, a couple of reminders:

  • “Open palm” (to prevent grasping onto, therefore pulling on the coat or tail)
  • “Faces are not for petting”
  • Stranger dogs or farm animals: “Only looking and no touching”

Teaching Manner Activities

Other than “model, model, model” and “repetition, repetition, repetition”, there are two main activities you can try to bolster politeness in your child.

Reading books that teach kindness, manners, and emotions

What you cannot give in reality sometimes is best given in fantasy…or a book.

Kids like to listen and copy other kids. My younger daughter will always listen to my older daughter over me.

Talking about kindness, what kindness looks like really helps connect the dots.

Talking about feelings, labeling feelings, describing feelings, is also a great exercise for your child to learn to regulate their emotions.

Pretend Play

Have you ever played tea party with your toddler? They LOVE it. Boys and girls alike.

This is the perfect opportunity to practice some of those key phrases and behaviors in a playful setting.

“Please pass the tea!”

“More tea please!”

“Thank you for the cookies”

and on and on. You get the point.

activities for good manners

Children’s Books on Manners

Resources for Parents

This post was all about how to raise a child with good manners and the importance of good manners. Teaching your child good manners will set them up for a lifetime of success and happiness.

Positive social interactions come from skills learned from the home on empathy, respect, compassion and communication. Learning basic manners will help build on this foundation to help your child thrive into a mature adult.

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