Am I Ready to be a Mom?

As a chronic over-planner and self proclaimed “5 Year Plan” strategist, I’ve asked myself this question many, many times before I had any satisfying answers.

A similar question might be, “Am I ready to have a baby?” but I think it’s important to frame this question in the eyes of the mom. Who the mom is, how she feels, and what she does, is the starting point has the most profound impact on the whole family.

If you are thinking about starting a family, are expecting a baby, or simply curious about this topic, I hope my personal experience and perspective will provide some clarity and help you make some decisions.

While I’d like to think I’m an optimist, I’m also a realist. These questions, considerations and my experiences are NOT meant to scare you in any way. I believe knowing is better than not knowing in this scenario. The more information you have, the better informed your decision could be.

For me, deciding to become a mom has been the greatest gift of life and the best learning experience ever. My heart has grown more than I’ve ever known possible, and I’ve become a better version of myself for my little human. While I would never say it’s easy, breezy, beautiful all the time, it is wonderful most of the time. 🙂

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Career or Motherhood?

If you are a young (I say this relatively), ambitious woman reading this blog post, wondering about this specific question above all else—I say choose motherhood above your career.

By career I also mean additional education or higher education, if this is a concern.

I am not recommending this lightly. Education and career opportunities are often linked hand in hand. I am saying that no amount of education or career opportunities will be worth it in the same vein as motherhood when you are able to have children.

When you have a child, somehow your perspective shifts into focus onto what is truly important. It’s like you’re given glasses and you’ve never seen so clearly before. Perhaps your career trajectory will shift, like it does with most working moms. Perhaps you will have a new found push to take it easy, or on the opposite end, work even smarter to get that next promotion.

I highly urge you to watch this video on “Unplanned Childlessness” to expand your scope of understanding the cost of delaying child bearing as an option for career advancement or further education.

Another recent find of mine is Suzanne Venker’s podcast and her new book, “How to Build a Better Life” that lays out some counter cultural arguments, and the HOW on building a life centering family and love.

Edited to add as of August 13th, 2024: I was reading the comments from this pin above (on Pinterest) and it was interesting how many moms comment “you can never prepare for motherhood“. I think this narrative and this notion is neither helpful nor inspiring. My sincere goal is that this onepager above serves as a helpful tool as a foundation for those you searching for answers, looking for frameworks, and wanting to make deliberate choices for family planning.

I’ve divided the top considerations into 6 main headings. Each heading will have 5 Questions to Ask for yourself and some for your partner. You can expand the “Page Contents” right below the Title to click through to the questions.

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail”.
– Benjamin Franklin

Take action and make changes if necessary, and it’ll all be worth it in the end.

Mental Health

When I became a mom, I started going to a therapist. I recommend you look into a good one as soon as possible. I’m not crazy, I promise.

Having a robust mindset and having an outlet to discuss what’s on your mind is extremely important.

Becoming a mom will test your limits in MANY ways, and it may even challenge your whole belief system. I started having questions about my own upbringing and how I came to be as a person. My therapist helped me understand and connect the deeper feelings and reactions I’m having to my current situations to the way I am wired as a person.

The most important person you need to get to know is yourself.

Seeking professional help has the benefits of getting an objective view away from your close circle who might already have assumptions or prejudices about you. It provides you with a safe space to slow down and think. Through talking, you will organize your thoughts.

Relationship with Your Partner

Your relationship with your husband is the foundation for everything. Without a strong foundation, the rest of the pieces will not fall together and it will only get harder as the time goes on. You want to build a solid house to live in, not a house of cards where it might fall when the wind blows.

Having a child together will bind you for life, no matter what the end result of your relationship becomes.

Choosing to have a child to “fix” a relationship is not the answer. Having a child together will amplify what is already great, or what is already flawed.

I spoke about how important it is to know YOURSELF above, but it is equally important to know your partner. Knowing how you complement each other, what values you share, and how you deal with conflicts will go a long way when life is in survival mode with a newborn in your arms.

Setting long term goals together and having a vision of the future together will help you both overcome short term hurdles, and grow your relationship to be that much stronger.

Questions to Ask:

Physical Health

I never really worried or thought about my physical health since I am relatively young (early 30s), and generally in good shape. I’m not someone who is bothered about my weight. However, my perspective changed as I went through the many changes I saw on myself as a mom.

When I became pregnant, I noticed my body being worn down as the months passed with my belly getting bigger. After I gave birth, I was struggling with breastfeeding and went through a whole different set of changes in my body.

It took me a good year before I was completely back to my pre-baby weight, and I still couldn’t fit into my wedding rings. I ended up sizing up. I also sized up my underwear and my jeans and never felt better. Although I was the same weight as before baby, but my body was a different shape.

Know that no matter how fast your metabolism is or how tiny you were before you gave birth, that your body WILL change, and it is unrealistic to expect that you will stay the same shape after you give birth.

Questions to Ask:

1. Have you had a physical check or blood work done recently?
   • Before we started trying for our first, my husband and I both went to our family doctors to request for a full bloodwork and test. Turned out I needed a booster vaccine, and learned a lot from my doctor about where not to travel for the Zika virus that was spreading rampant at the time. Being transparent with your healthcare provider is going to prepare you for things you didn’t even know.
2. Do you have a trusted family doctor, dentist, and optometrist?
   • I would highly recommend looking into having a circle of healthcare providers you trust. They will likely become your child’s healthcare providers. Having consistency with one provider is going to help with your child getting used to the visits, having easily accessible healthcare history from one place, and having the peace of mind that you have a professional to call on in times of need.
3. How do you maintain your physique?
   • Think about what is realistic for you in terms of going to the gym, workout classes, at home workouts, or even just taking a walk around the block. Your body is an important part of your identity and how you view yourself. You know your body best, and knowing how to maintain it will help you look and feel your best.
4. What is your self care regimen?
   • Think about massage therapy, getting your hair or nails done, or any related activities. Before I had my daughter, I got my nails and eyelashes done regularly, and my hair professionally straightened every 6 months. Due to COVID and the time commitment, I stopped with my hair and eyelash treatments, but I still go and get my nails done. I think the little things make a big difference in the way you feel, and knowing what that is goes a long way.
5. Do you have a skincare routine?
   • Skin is your largest organ and it is reflective of your inner health. If you have sensitive, acne prone, dry or troubled skin, you want to know how to deal with it. The goal is not to eradicate these issues, but to know what to do. The goal is to have some control when other parts of your life may seem uncontrollable. When you look good, you will feel better.

Managing Expectations

Remember that transitions and life changes are always hard. They are not supposed to be comfortable. Growth is pain and it is a sign of maturity.

Think back to when you first started a new job, or when you started a new relationship. You’ve learned how to make better decisions next time from your past mistakes. You’ve probably learned more about yourself through the process, too.

The same goes for motherhood. It’s not going to be all cheeky baby smiles and cute toddler kisses. You have a whole new human depending on you, and he or she may be your greatest teacher. It’s a challenging role with a HUGE learning curve.

As my blog is directed to working moms, I can’t stress enough the importance of setting realistic expectations. Watch this video below about the “sacrifices of being a working mom in the modern world” where it interviews real working moms on their life, expectations, and transitions:

Dr. Alexandra Sacks is a psychiatrist who works with pregnant and postpartum women, and in her Ted Talk on “A new way to think about the transition to motherhood,” she found the term “matrescence” (sounds like “adolescence”) in an old 1973 essay that helps frame this new transition into motherhood. She says that due to the vast difference in our expectations compared to the reality of the early days of becoming a new mother, many times our feelings can be confused with postpartum depression.

By talking about our own transitions into motherhood, sharing our stories with our mom friends or expecting friends, or even friends who are asking themselves this very question of, “am I ready to be a mom?“, is going to go a LONG way to helping you settle into this new life stage.

Social media can be toxic in its curated content because everyone only shows the “good” parts. In reality, moms are judged no matter what they do. You can be the working mom, or the stay at home mom. No matter how well or how poorly you pack your child’s lunch, or how well you’ve planned a birthday party, someone is going to have a say. Learn to tune them out.

Questions to Ask:

1. Have you had any interactions with infants or toddlers?
   • Babies and kids are not like adults. They are going through a myriad of growth and development in the brain and their bodies. Although they seem like little humans, we cannot hold them to the same standard or expectation as if we would an adult. They cannot control much of their impulses or emotions, and it takes time to learn.
   • I would urge you to dive into some parenting books and set some realistic age-appropriate expectations as parents. – See my post on “12 Best Books for New Parents Actually Worth Reading“
2. Do you have realistic expectations about getting pregnant and your pregnancy experience?
   • Getting pregnant is not always like what you learned in school. You might expect a one-hit-wonder or a quick conception, but that may not always be the case EVEN if you and your partner are both healthy individuals. During my Trying-to-Conceive (TTC) journey, I took these prenatal vitamins, eliminated my coffee consumption, eliminated all alcohol consumption, increased my water intake, drank this fertility tea and this other fertility tea that seemed to actually finally work(?!) and it still took over half a year. I was in my late 20s, healthy and have very regular cycles.Miscarriages are more common than you think, and some happen before your even realize you are pregnant (known as a “chemical pregnancy”). Check out this Miscarriage Probability Chart.Pregnancy is not a walk in the park. Before I got pregnant, I keep hearing about the “pregnancy glow” and how some women LOVE being pregnant! This was not the case for me.
   • My first pregnancy was relatively “easy”. I didn’t actually vomit or have severe nausea. I had some expected lower back pain but overall I didn’t feel so huge until the last month. However, finding a comfortable sleep position was difficult with a growing belly. The constant washroom breaks and breaks in your sleep will prepare you for your newborn phase.
   • You might be anxious and worried like I was, especially as a first time mom not knowing what I didn’t know, or what to really expect anytime anything happened.
   • My second pregnancy was a complete 180 from my first. I had severe nausea and at one point even needed to go to the hospital to get IV fluids. I had to take nausea medication until I was 18 weeks pregnant, and took some short-term leave off work to rest.
3. Do you have realistic expectations of your birth and postpartum experience?
   • Your birth will and postpartum recovery likely will not happen the way you envisioned it. It’s important to have a plan and know your options, but it doesn’t mean your plans will be realized exactly.
   • Your body went through a major hurdle and birthed a human. Whether you’ve delivered vaginally, or through a c-section, your body has been through A LOT. Your body will not function the same for a little while (or even a long while) after you give birth, and that may not be your expectation.
   • Your stomach after birth is NOT going to magically disappear. It will take time for your uterus to shrink back to its pre-baby size. You will look about 5 months pregnant after you’ve given birth. If you breastfeed, it will help with contracting your uterus and you will feel those contractions as they happen afterwards.
   • I had an emergency c-section and that was not in my plans or expectations AT ALL. I was told by my midwife everything seems to be good to go, I may even have a quick and early birth because baby has dropped so low she could feel her head at my 37 week checkup. I pushed for 2 whole hours after 3 days of on and off labor, and it was honestly devastating to have to go through with the c-section. I’ll be writing more on my birth story later.
4. Breastfeeding is REALLY hard.
   • It might seem like the most natural thing in the world, BUT, it’s not. Like anything else, it is a learned skill for both you and your newborn. Your newborn needs to learn to open wide and you need to learn to latch properly. Your body needs the right signals in place to produce milk and time to regulate your milk supply.
   • For me, this was honestly the hardest part. I did NOT expect breastfeeding to be THAT difficult. I took these fenugreek & blessed thistle supplements (4 giant tablets 2 times a day), did skin-to-skin, hired a professional lactation consultant, and pumped after each feed around the clock. All of these “milk boosters” took some time for me to figure out, to research, and to implement. I’m thankful it worked out for me, but trust me. I was COLD SWEATING before each feed. It took me a good 4 weeks to learn the ropes and 6 weeks to regulate my milk supply before it got exponentially better.
5. You cannot do everything.
   • Time is a rare resource and we ALL have the same amount of it. It is a lie to tell a mom that she can do everything. It is especially impossible to expect to have and maintain the same career, social calendar, and family life all at once. Something has to give, and you have to make tough choices. You have to say NO.
   • You might be thinking, “she doesn’t know me!” But trust me, you might be able to keep up appearance for a little while, but it will NOT be sustainable. You will burn out. Watch the video I’ve linked above to get a real glimpse into a working mom’s life.
   • I chose to take a small step back in my career, and focus on my growing family. I no longer have the same social calendar as before, but I still make time for those “me-time” events that I’ve talked about above.

Fertility and Prenatal Recommendations:

• Garden of Life Organics Prenatal Vitamin
• Pink Stork Fertility Tea [Amazon.CA here]
• Moontime Fertility Tea [Amazon.CA here]

Financial Considerations

This is probably one of the top considerations you and your partner will have as potential new parents. It is a very realistic one, and one that requires a full discussion and planning.

Take it from me, as I saw clients day in and day out as a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) with over a decade experience in banking, clients struggling and stressed over finances because they did not plan ahead or gained more financial literacy.

Once you have the child, it’s a snowball effect. Expenses will pile on, even if you didn’t expect it to. Some you will have no control or choice over, and you will just have to figure it out. Hopefully these questions below will help you mitigate some of those surprises, and you can plan it out before it happens.

DON’T WAIT until the day comes and you wondered where your money went, or how come your child couldn’t get into the schools you wanted. Start planning early, learn the process and you’ll be infinitely less stressed as deadlines come looming by.

Questions to Ask:

1. Do you and your partner discuss finances?
   • If you don’t, it’s important that you do. You may not combine everything into household accounts, BUT you need to be aware of what is coming in and what is going out and where. You’ll need to discuss the added costs of having a child mentioned below, and who will be responsible for what.
   • Do you have emergency savings, or any savings at all to fall back on if there are any changes to your income situation (lay offs, transition into different jobs, illness, etc)? Recommendation is to have 3 months living expenses in a high interest savings account (liquid and available).
   • Understanding your lifestyle expenses–the cost of what your expectation of your quality of life is–is extremely important. You need to factor in all of the expenses that you currently have for mental health, physical health, self care, and hobbies on TOP of your fixed costs like housing, bills, car payments, etc.
   • Set up pre-authorized debits for bills and payments from designated accounts so you know how your fixed costs are taken care of.
   • Understanding taxes is crucial. If financial planning and tax planning are topics you’ve never touched on as a family unit, you need to start thinking about this seriously and speak to a professional to sort it out BEFORE your baby comes.
   • Will you be taking a maternity leave? If so, how long? See my post here where I talk about working moms taking maternity leave at the bottom. You will want to save up in advance if you are taking a year or more. You will need to plan for when you return and what type of childcare will take over for you when you go back to work.
2. Are you aware of the costs of baby items and baby care in the first year?
   • Will you be given some hand-me-downs from friends and family, or will you need to purchase everything? Will you have a baby shower to have some help?
   • Think about the cost of basic necessities like stroller, crib, baby clothes, diapers and wipes. I’ll be making a post about this topic soon.
   • Think about healthcare costs where you live, if this is applicable. Do you or your partner have extended benefits with work to add your child to?
3. What is the cost (and wait times) of childcare where you are?
   • [Related Post: “Working Mom Planning Series: Choosing and Preparing for Daycare“]
   • Daycare centres are private in B.C., Canada. If you are looking for classes that have a good teacher to student ratio (1:4, 1:6 or even 1:8 based on age group), you will be looking at upwards of $1600 per month or more for full time childcare per month.
   • The waitlists for a good facility in the lower mainland B.C. will be a minimum of 12 months. I was on the waitlist for my daughter when I was 5 months pregnant, and thankfully she got a spot before she turned 1!
   • I would never recommend you enroll your child in any unlicensed childcare facilities. Due to the high demand in the lower mainland, you might find some daycares operating out of homes. Please ensure you do strict due diligence. Planning ahead is KEY!
   • There are full-time nannies and nanny share options if you’d like one-on-one care for your child, or you could not get into any of the above mentioned options.
   • Some childcare facilities do not have extended hours, and you might need to look into before and after school care. This will run you additional costs.
4. What are the costs of education?
   • In Canada, we have the Registered Education Savings Plan (RESP) where the government will match your contributions of $2,500 per year for $500 grant, up to $7,200 lifetime per child. You will need to contribute about 15 years to receive this maximum grant. There is a one time BC Education & Training Grant (BCTESG) of $1,200 available when you remember to sign up for it between the ages of 6-9.
   • Do you plan to enroll your child into public or private education system? If you consider the private school option, you’ll need to prepare well in advance for entrance applications. Each school will have a different criteria and application deadline for different age groups.
   • There are many additional costs associated with education. If your child goes to a private school, uniforms and additional costs will be inevitable.
   • Extracurricular activities options really open up as the child turns 3. If you are looking into activities that require instruments or additional gear, then you’ll need to plan in advance for this.
5. Where will you live?
   • I put this as a major consideration because where you live will determine your housing costs. This is most often the biggest expense. If you live in an expensive city like Vancouver or Toronto, you’ll need to consider if upsizing to a bigger space is possible where you are.
   • What are the costs of moving (if you rent, the changes in rent and associated costs. If you own, the cost of selling and buying.), and what is possible, factoring in inflation?
   • If you decide to move further away, how will you manage the commute to work? How will you re-arrange for childcare?
   • Consider the importance of living in areas that are safe, have nearby parks or are nearby community centres, libraries and playgrounds. Little kids need to get out of the house, and you don’t want to be driving or commuting long distances each way every time.

Your Support System

They say it takes a village to raise a child. It’s really true.

In the modern world, we are mostly solo nuclear family units that don’t live with our immediate or extended families in close proximity. We also have much fewer children than ever before.

I know a few families that are toughing it out with zero family support and very little childcare. One parent is either stay at home, part-time or in a flexible job that will allow them to be available should their child need them. The other is working in a demanding job to provide for the whole family.

You might be in that situation, and you might think you can’t do it. Don’t be discouraged. You CAN definitely do it by forming your version of a “village”. You need a support system.

However, your support system is not only a support system to raise your child. It is YOUR support system for your as a mom. It is important to remember that you have to take care of you BEFORE you can take care of anyone else.

Questions to Ask:

1. Do you have at least one close friend to call on?
   • Quoting Aristotle here, “he who has many friends has no friends.” You truly just need ONE close friend, or a handful of close friends to be able to be yourself with. All of us humans need connection and no one should be an island. If that one close friend is your partner, that’s fine too! Having honest, open, and deep conversations where you can be vulnerable without being judged is important for your mental health.
2. Do you have mom friends?
   • If you have friends who are already moms, or are on the journey with you, reach out to them! Becoming a mom will INSTANTLY bond you because it’s just such a steep learning curve and transition. I have so many mom friends that I haven’t spoken to for YEARS and reconnected through having kids. It’s honestly such a blessing to have a mom friend who knows what you’re going through, went through, or can ask questions and bounce ideas off of.
   • If you do not have a mom friend, I’m here! I’d love to get to know you and find ways to help. Send me a message through my Contact page. 🙂
   • I also found joining some mom communities on Facebook or Reddit helps to build some of that “village” support system in your local area, or even just virtually. Check out my post here to see all of the mom/parenting reddit groups I’ve joined.
3. Do you have a supportive family?
   • Family dynamics are often complicated. If you have supportive family members on both yours and your partner’s side of the family, then count your lucky stars. If your family is not supportive, work out which relationship is toxic for your mental health. Try to eliminate the extra mental load by taking action through therapy or setting strict boundaries with those family members.
   • How will your family support you? Will they help by lending a hand, or provide some monetary support? Be transparent and never assume. You don’t want to be caught in a difficult place if you didn’t have clear communication about what their roles could look like when your baby is already here.
   • Are your family members on board with your parenting style? Will they let YOU be the parent? I know SO many families that have their grandparents take the reigns and ruin the hard work the parents have put into building a routine or a habit. You need to set clear expectations BEFORE the baby comes, and set consequences should they cross the line.
4. Do you have a supportive work place?
   • Having your employer understand what it means to have a family, to be a mom, is extremely important. Do they have maternity or parental benefits? Do they provide flexible scheduling options? Look into these options at your current employer.
   • Is your direct boss/manager someone you can have an honest conversation with? Will they be ok if you took a sudden half day or some time off if you child is sick or have an emergency?
5. Do you have options or know of your options should you need help?
   • Do you have resources to help you in your local community to help you if you need mental or physical help?
   • Are you aware of alternative healthcare providers like midwifes, doulas, lactation consultants, and homeopathic clinics if you want more hands-on help with pregnancy and postpartum?
   • Do you have access and the resources for professional help should you need it? I would highly recommend looking into your extended health benefits, see what is covered and how much is covered. Many employers are now very good about their mental health benefits and support for families.

Preparing for Motherhood on the Time Value of Mom Blog

• All of the posts to prepare for before and during pregnancy
• All of the posts to prepare for your baby’s first year
• Parenting resources
  • “12 Best Books for New Parents Actually Worth Reading“
  • “Working Mom Hacks to Save Time“

This post was all about the considerations before having a baby. Becoming a mom is a huge life transition and it takes serious thought and early planning. You want to try to eliminate as much of the blindsiding as possible.

If you are asking yourself, “am I ready to be a mom?“, or you are starting to have family planning conversations with your partner, please let me know if this post has helped in any way.

If you know a friend who has these questions, send it her way!

If I have missed any important questions or considerations, please drop a comment and it’ll help the conversation.

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